Alan Kistler's Second Star Wars Interview
Sunday, December 23, 2007 at 02:06AM 
Hello, again. Alan Kistler here. Having decided that my Interview with Darth Vader only scratched the surface of many of my questions, I have decreed we must interview other folks connected to the Star Wars movie universe. So, thanks to a time-scoop which I have … um … ACQUIRED from the Time Lords … *cough* … we can now have whoever I want brought to us. First guest, a good buddy of mine, R2-D2!
(A blue haze and the droid appears.)
R2-D2: Bee-doo-bee-boop?
ALAN KISTLER: Hello, R2. Nice to meet you again. Remember me? We met outside that bar on New Alderaan.
R2: Clik! Clik! WHIIIIIIISTLE!
AK: Yes, well, I did apologize for that, I was rather short on temper that day and your buddy 3PO just picked the wrong moment to ask me how I was doing. How is his head, by the way? Get all the dents out?
R2: Neee-Doop!
AK: Well, no need to be rude. Anyway, what happened to your tech buddy? You can fly during the Clone Wars but 20 years later in the original trilogy it seems that if you fall over onto your side you’re as screwed as a drunk turtle on his back.
R2: Weeeee-klik-klik. WHRRR-Bee-Boop.
AK: Oh? Lucas had a fake web-site advertisement that said that the warranty on all astromech droids ran out after only ten years, therefore implying that there was no one to repair you after you began breaking down here and there over the years, thus you became seriously downgraded by the time you came into Luke's posession two decades later?
R2: WHIIISTLE! Bee-doop!
AK: That makes no sense! You were given to Senator Organa, a guy who was apparently royalty and a politician. I’m guessing he’d have enough money to upgrade a single astromech droid, warranty or no. This smells like a poor excuse to explain why you, and strangely many of the ships in your universe, seemed to get downgraded over 20 years time.
R2: Bee-Bop.
AK: Hmm. You have a point. Maybe everything got downgraded in technology level because it apparently took the Empire 20 years just to build one Death Star (which is revealed by the fact that we see the Death Star beginning its construction at the end of Revenge of the Sith). Yeah, that would definitely put a strain on resources all around, so much so you’d think the Emperor would eventually say, “Oh, screw it, we already won anyway.” Now what’s the deal with you keeping your mouth shut with Luke?
R2: Kee-Bop?
AK: Dude, you know what I’m talking about! 3PO got a memory wipe, but you didn’t. So how come years later when Obi-Wan said to Luke he didn’t recall ever owning a droid and looked right at you, you didn’t remind him of the half-dozen times you saved his ass during the Clone Wars and that you were owned by Annakin Skywalker? Didn’t it ever occur to you to mention to Luke “Hey, the guy who took me and 3PO in a while back also took in this little girl named Leia who was Annakin Skywalker’s daughter, think there’s a connection?”
R2: …
AK: I thought so. Never mind, it’s not your fault really. Now, go. I think the guys next door wanted to put you into a deathmatch against Data and a Dalek. My money’s on you or the Dalek, depending on whether or not you can fly again. Daleks can fly, you know. Later.
As R2 vanishes in a blue haze, I see my next arrival. Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn.
AK: Hey, buddy. Glad you were able to schedule some time in between hanging with the White Witch and training Batman.
QUI-GON JINN: I’m sorry?
AK: Oh, my mistake, that was just someone else who looked like you. So I wanted to ask you about a little thing called midi-chlorians.
QJ: Of course. Life couldn’t exist without midi-chlorians. They tell us what the Force needs from us.
AK: Right, right, so they’re like super-enhanced mitochondria. Got it. So … do they create the Force? I just ask because when Yoda explained the Force to Luke some years later, he didn’t mention the little buggers. He just said “The Force surrounds us and binds us … Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter.” Basically, he said we’re all energy just sheathed in flesh and that the Force was a field linking all our energies together. So what’s the deal with these midi-chlorians, these little organisms in the blood? Do they make a Jedi? Are Jedi supposed to be mutants, a la the X-Men?
QJ: Oh, no, no. If you look on web-sites, you will learn that it is implied that midi-chlorians are created by the Force in all life and act as receptors, linking us all physically to the energy field that is the Force.
AK: Yeah, seems rather lazy to imply (not explain, but imply) that on a web-site when really I want to hear about it in a movie. But hey, not YOUR fault. Now, you said having a higher midi-chlorian count means that you’re a more powerful Jedi?
QJ: Indeed. They are a sign of that power and connection.
AK: Okay, I'll come back to that later. Next question. Did you ever get ticked at Yoda’s mixed signals?
QJ: How do you mean?
AK: Well, he tells Luke to open himself to the Force, to feel everything around him and open his mind to his feelings and all. To basically let go of his mental barriers. He also says a few times in the prequels to “search your feelings.” Yet when Annakin says he’s afraid of someone close to him dying, Yoda tells him that the way of the Jedi is to not have attachment to other people and to be prepared at all times to lose them, essentially saying you can’t have true friendships or loves and can't be bothered when folks die. What’s up with that? How can you search your feelings if you’re not allowed to embrace them? How can you open your mind but shut off something as fundamental as love?
QJ: Well … you see, the way of the Jedi is a solitary life.
AK: Then why have a Jedi community and order at all? Why is it Obi-Wan described you as sort of knights and musketeers in the original trilogy but then in the prequels you’re all basically priests with swords. How can you be the “guardians of peace and justice” if you don’t allow emotional connections to the people you’re protecting? And why couldn’t Annakin get married? Didn’t you guys ever think telling him “no, we can’t ever love and you should just deal with your loved one dying and not care about them that much” would lead to his resentment, which leads to the Dark Side (though what doesn’t, these days)? I mean, does sex and love really lead to the Dark Side? I’ve enjoyed both and have yet to fight my mentor and slaughter children as a result.
QJ: Well … I … I must go now. The Force moves me.
AK: Whatever.
The Jedi vanishes and is replaced by Padme.
AK: No. Go away.
PADME: Um ... I'm sorry?
AK: I have nothing to say to you.
PADME: Really? But … but I came all this way.
AK: A mistake. Sorry.
PADME: But … but why not? Why don't you want an interview?
AK: Because instead of being a great example of a political leader and someone with a strong enough will to actually be Vader’s wife and equal, you basically did nothing but mope around and get pregnant in the last two movies, after which you apparently had enough will to decide you would die since you were sad and lonely but not enough will to be strong enough to want to stay and raise your kids in an increasingly dangerous Empire. That's crap! And what was with that birthing scene? From the sound of it, you just had really bad cramps rather than a baby coming out.
PADME: But … but I was his love. Doesn’t that count for something?
AK: When he had his nightmare and wouldn't tell you, you asked him when he was going to start trusting you. Don’t you think you should’ve made sure he trusted you before you two got hitched? I mean, isn’t that the whole basis of marriage, trust and love and respect? Sorry, you were pointless to me. You had the opportunity to be a strong female character in an otherwise male dominated movie, but you couldn't even hold a candle to Leia and then you committed suicide because you were lonely and didn't think your kids needed you that much. And considering that Natalie Portman can actually act, that's just insulting.
PADME: But surely there’s some question you can ask me!
AK: Okay. How is it that when you confronted Annakin about his killing the younglings, you RAN into his arms? You were nine months pregnant! You should have barely been able to waddle! No! Go away!
She vanishes, crying sheepishly, and is replaced by Obi-Wan Kenobi and Senator Palpatine.
AK: I have no problem with either of you. I think Palpatine should've used his Darth Sidious name more often and that Obi-Wan could've come up with a better alias to hide from the Empire than just Ben Kenobi, especially when he was still carrying around his lightsaber, but whatever. You both kicked ass, thank you.
They vanish and are replaced by their creator.
AK: And at last we meet. I would have words with you.
GEORGE LUCAS: Hello.
AK: So, really … why did you spend two entire movies where you depicted only 10% of the plot we all wanted to see (Vader’s fall, the death of the Jedi Order, the rise of Palpatine, Vader's wife) and then decide to shove it all into one single movie that, while fun, also felt very rushed and forced.
GEORGE LUCAS: Well, I thought it best to really show what the whole universe was about before we dismantled it.
AK: You mean, showing me stuff like a Trade Federation that wasn’t adequately explained and quickly fell into the background and introducing a Droid Separatist Army who, by the way, I’m still not clear on exactly what they wanted. Was it just freedom? Did they want to take over? Would’ve been nice to know what they were fighting for, other than just taking orders from the Count.
GL: I feel the audience didn’t need everything handed to them. They’re intelligent, they can figure stuff out.
AK: I’d believe that if you didn’t force-feed us stuff like the romance between Annakin and Padme. Don’t have your characters tell me that they’re in love by giving them lines like "I'm blinded by your love," show me. First rule of screen-writing, man. You can’t just have your characters say how they feel! That makes me feel ANGRY!
GL: Sorry. I just thought that it was important to show the love of -
AK: Fine, fine, let’s put that aside. Now, Qui-Gon told me that a high midi-chlorian count in the body means you are a powerful Jedi. Midi-chlorians are created by the Force to be receptors he said, so higher midi-chlorians like what Annakin had would mean a greater connection/receptiveness to the Force, thus sure it would stand to reason he'd have more raw power at his disposal and could manipulate it better. Am I right?
GL: Sure.
AK: Okay. So with that in mind, if I had a complete blood transfusion from Vader, would I then become a bad-ass Jedi myself?
GL: Well … no, no. The Force is still the Force. You are what you are from birth.
AK: So it’s not really a scientific thing like that, the Force is still mystical at its core?
GL: Well, yes. It's the basis behind all religions and -
AK: Then why invent midi-chlorians at all except to just confuse us?
GL: Well … you see, magic is only science that hasn’t been explained –
AK: Don’t you dare start philosophizing to me with Clarke's law! We are not discussing string theory, synchronicity or the nature of the universe! This is your story! YOU tell ME what you were thinking and why you wanted to do this! You gave the one major mystical element of your story a scientific explanation of sorts without trying to have it make sense as well and I want to know why!
GL: Well … my kids thought –
AK: And how is it that in A New Hope Leia’s message says that Obi-Wan “served” under Bail Organa during the Clone Wars? "Served." As in, Bail gave him orders. But in Revenge of the Sith it looks like Bail didn't even fight in the war directly and Obi-Wan took orders from the Jedi Council and Republic's military forces. So, did Bail exaggerate his role in the war to Leia when he told old war stories? Or was she just being kinda arrogant in saying that since he was a Senator and the Jedi served the Senate, Obi-Wan was technically under Bail’s command? Or did you just forget to look over your own movies?
GL: Uh … you see, senators are also like royalty and -
AK: Dammit, why are we having this discussion?! Why couldn’t you just be clear on a few simple points? Why is it that I, who haven’t even seen the original trilogy in over a year, can easily point out a half-dozen continuity errors and plot-holes in a story you had years to craft?! That’s just lazy, man! Admit it! You wrote the entire thing on a bar napkin the weekend before shooting and you just went with it because you refuse to let anyone help out or edit on what is “your story”, even though the best of the movies weren’t directly scripted or directed by you! Didn't you?!
GL: …
AK: WELL?!
GL: I want to go home.
AK: Fine! Just tell me this. Jedi aren’t allowed to get married. Therefore, no Jedi kids directly. Therefore, those “younglings” must have been random kids who were Force-users but born of normal parents from across the galaxy (which is a whole lotta planets to keep track of). And such kids must be born at least fairly regularly for there to be a whole class of toddlers for Yoda to teach, right?
GL: Right …
AK: So did these births just stop happening after the Jedi were wiped out? Did nature just decide Luke and Leia were gonna be the only ones for a while?
GL: Well … no … I mean, surely some other children would have been born here and there who either didn’t know they were Force-users and kept on living normal lives or …
AK: … or who were hunted down by Vader and slaughtered while they were still too young to fight back.
GL: … Right.
AK: Which means he continued systematically hunting down and killing kids even after his original tiff after killing Mace.
GL: … maybe.
AK: So how is he redeemable 25 years later just by killing the Emperor?
GL: … well, his soul was saved in the end.
AK: Somehow, I don’t think the souls/ghosts of all those kids feel the same way, if you know what I’m saying. Thanks then. Cheers.
Lucas vanishes in a blue haze. Spock appears.
SPOCK: Greetings, Kistler.
AK: Hey, Spock. Ready for our chess game?
SPOCK: Indeed. I see you’re still confounded by the Star Wars movie universe.
AK: Even if it never had lightsabers and the heroes always put their weapons on stun, at least Star Trek had writers who usually took the time to read their own past stories and fictional history. ((sigh)). Your first move.
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