Kistler Inverviews Darth Vader!
Friday, December 21, 2007 at 02:08AM Hello, faithful readers. Once again I have done the impossible. Thanks to hitch-hiking with my Time Lord buddy The Doctor (of Doctor Who fame), I am now in his time/space ship the TARDIS as we cruise through the multiverse, on my way to the Star Wars movie universe in order to interview Darth Vader himself.
THE DOCTOR: So why is this interview so important to you then?
ALAN KISTLER: Have you looked at the new Star War films recently, Doctor? George Luca's fictional reality is running rampant with too many ideas that contradict each other! I must find the cause!
Eventually, the TARDIS grinds to a halt and Vader is transported before me.
ALAN KISTLER: Howdy, Vader!
DARTH VADER: What ... where am I? I was just in my death throes after defeating my former master Palpatine and saying good-bye to my son Luke. How is it that I now stand in this strange place that looks like a tv-set with the hexagonal control console? And who is this man with the impossibly long scarf and the strange hair grinning at me?
AK: Never mind him. I am Alan Kistler and I have questions.
DV: Kistler! I've heard of you! The scourge of the multiverse, constantly pointing out the continuity flaws in every universe's space-time continuum!
AK: Yeah, my fame rose when I forced the Highlander universe to realize it couldn't even follow its own rules. And don't even mention the Friday The 13th series to me. One movie he's a kid, one movie he's a zombie, one movie he's a snake. ANYWAY, I just saw Revenge of the Sith and we need to talk.
DV: Ask your questions then.
AK: Okay. So were YOU the Chosen One like Qui-Gon said? Or was it really LUKE who was the Chosen One and you were really just the delivery system to bring him into being?
DV: Nonsense. I was the Chosen One. George Lucas said so in an interview.
AK: He did? BUt ... that doesn't make sense. Why would YOU be the Chosen One and not Luke?
DK: I brought balance to the force and undid the Sith, thus allowing for Luke to usher in Return of the Jedi.
AK: So you killed the Emperor, so what? Lando was about to blow up the whole Death Star five minutes later anyway, Emperor and all. And there's a good chance the Old Jedi would've been able to destroy the Emperor YEARS before then if you hadn't gone and helped kill them all. I mean, the Force seemed basically balanced before you showed up.
DV: Nonsense, there were Sith Lords about.
AK: There are ALWAYS bad guys around. Whether they're crime lords or Sith Lords, you can't change that there's evil somewhere in the universe. Maybe that's why it's balanceand not just "Good reigns supreme."
DV: But I was concieved by midochlorians! Qui-Gon said so in The Phantom Menace!
AK: So what? That tells me you had a freakish birth, it doesn't tell me you're mystical in nature necessarily. Besides, Luke had to be more powerful than even you were if he was able to reach the status of Knight in just 4 years and it took you over a decade or so.
DV: Yes, he was strong. Still, Emperor Palpatine would have killed Luke without me.
AK: Maybe, maybe not. Maybe if you weren't around, Luke wouldn't have wasted time trying to reach out to you and would've found a way to beat the Emperor on his own. Besides, so you're responsible by one degree of separation for the new Jedi Order via Luke's survival. Doesn't sound very chosen to me, especially since you were largely responsible for Palpatine's rise to power. The Jedi already suspected him, they would have found him out eventually on their own.
DV: But then he would have been too powerful for them to stop.
AK: How do you know? If anything, it would've taken him more time to rise to power and in that time the Jedi would've probably taken precautions to make sure more of their number and the children at least survived. You're the one who forced Luke and Leia to be the only Jedi kids left.
DV: This is all moot. I fell from grace, but have redeemed myself at last now.
AK: How?! By killing your boss after 24 or 25 years of service, during which you no doubt killed many and ordered the deaths of thousands more? Come on! How does just killing your mentod in the end redeem all that?
DV: I saved my son's life, sacrificing my own.
AK: You also locked yourself in a room and slaughtered about a dozen children mere hours after you lectured Mace Windu (Samuel L. Jackson) for wanting to kill a suspect in custody.
DARTH VADER: You are missing the point! I find your lack of faith disturbing!
ALAN KISTLER: I find your lack of a reasonable plot disturbing! Dick!
DV: You think killing the Emperor doesn't redeem my soul?
AK: I think what you're telling me is that if a mass murderer like Captain America's enemy the Red Skull went ahead and killed Hitler during the last days when the Russians were crushing down on Berlin, the Skull should've been considered a good guy in the end. And everyone would've just politely forgotten all the horrible attrocities he'd committed beforehand for years beforehand and how he'd shown not even a hint of remorse, just like you didn't show any remorse at all for years until just hours before you kicked it.
DV: Who is this Hitler you speak of?
AK: Never mind, but your body counts would be very similar I'm sure. Speaking of bodies, what was with the operation that turned you into a cyborg, as seen in Revenge of the Sith?
DV: I don't understand the question.
AK: All that screaming. Does no one in your universe use anesthetic? Are there no doctors at all? Hell, when Padme was giving birth, it looked like she was just put onto a table while a droid decided to play catch. Oh yeah, that brings up something else. Padme died during childbirth, but years later Luke asks Leia about her mother, as seen in Return of the Jedi.
DV: So? He was just asking about her adopted mother since he'd never had one himself, adopted or otherwise.
AK: He never had a father either, why not say "tell me about your parents"? Also, he specifically said "Do you remember your mother? Your REAL mother?", indicating that Leia knew she was adopted and had known her real mother for at least a short time. And Leia mentioned that her real mother "seemed sad" but Leia wasn't sure why. What would Mrs. Organa have to be sad about? Unless Leia meant it was Padme who was sad thinking about you, that certainly makes more sense.
DV: But ... I think Lucas said that Leia was talking about a dream. A dream the Force provided her.
AK: You can't be serious. You don'tt hink Leia would've mentioned that first? "Well, no, Luke, I never met her, but I had this incredibly vivid dream, so let me tell you about it." Bull! She was talking about a real memory. Faded, yes, because she'd been a child, but she never once mentioned the words "dream" or "visions." And on top of that, Luke even said that the reason he asked her the question was because "I never knew my mother. I never met her." As in, he's telling her, "But you did." So with all that in mind, it doesn't make sense now that Padme died in childbirth, does it?
DV: ... no ... no, it doesn't.
AK: Thank you! And one other thing. Yoda and Obi-Wan seemed to be the only ones to learn how to become Force Ghosts because they spoke to Qui-Gon and he taught them and only them. Yoda implies this pretty heavily at the end of Sith. So how did YOU know how to make yourself show up as a ghost as at the end of Jedi? How could you have learned that trick?
DV: ... You know, I don't know.
AK: See?
DV: You mean a lazy writer is responsible for not keeping track of his own story?
AK: Well, I didn't say it.
DV: Ah, right ... still ... the fight scenes were bad-ass, yes?
AK: Oh, incredibly. Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan was the man.
DV: Right then ... I'm very confused, can you please send me back to die?
AK: Oh, sure. Nice talking to you. Hey, if you're not too busy, can I meet you earlier and have you and some of your pals join in on the Jedi vs. Time Lord basketball game? I've got some money riding on it.
DV: I shall destroy The Doctor! He will learn the power of the Dark Side!
THE DOCTOR: You don't scare ME, you mystic cyborg! I've fought several Cybermen who were smart enough not to let their hands get cut off every few years!
AK: Now, now, let's not get nasty. So long, Vader. Cheers!
Vader vanishes in a blue transporter haze.
DOCTOR: Now what?
AK: You know, now that you mention your enemies, I've always wanted to see R2-D2 fight a Dalek. Let's make it happen!
DOCTOR: Did you ever find out how R2-D2 got such a massive downgrade between the time he was fighting in the Clone Wars and the time he met Luke?
AK: Dude, you're making my head hurt, let's just go. But I promise I'll ask him when I see him next.
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